Boxito says:

Thinking whilst typing.

Fri, 24 Feb 2006 01:41:32 GMT

Today is Thrusday 23 of February of the Year 2006.

Local time is 7:34 pm.

I should be comming back from a job, i should be holding.
I should be living either in Guadalajara or in Veracruz.
I should be living on myself, too.
I should be doing something with my life.

But neither of these things is true.

It's about 1 month and 7 days to my birthday, and i have done not a single thing to improve my life. It's rather sad, i know.

Nori said that i should stop talking to him if i'd get to the 21 years and still doing nothing about my life. I guess it means i am going to stop talking to him.

It's harder now than ever to see the purpouse on anything.
I just don't find anything to look forward to.
I guess i'm losing that tiny bit of hope i had, i guess.

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How does feel to waste 21 years of one's life?
I thought i was doing the right thing, but i never put an effort into it. And furthermore, i believe now that i was just lying to everybody and to myself with that thing of school.

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I guess i've made too many mistakes. But i'm still alive and i still can improve my life. But will i?

The future doesn't look promising.

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 00:58:52 GMT

Fuck.

now imma gonna write shit of the wiccan thingie.

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 09:31:18 GMT

'Bide the Wiccan Law you must, In perfect love and perfect trust''
Everybody wants to tell others what to do, don't they?. What's up with the "perfect love & trust"? WE are humans. WE have no perfect *anything*, and i find it silly to sugest that one can actually follow a set of rules to the perfection, it's like they don't understand that there are NO extremes in life; the same way it can be 100% black, it can't be 100% white.

'Live and let live: Fairly take and fairly give.'
Yes, it does sounds pretty nice and happy and all that. However, you can live and let live but it does nothing about the people you live with. What if you are give/take fairly but the other peoples do not and excede your limits? I don't think it's managable.

And i'd not continue one single day for the rest of my life.
That'd SUCK majorly.

'Cast the circle thrice about, To keep the evil spirits out.'
Well, it MAY keep evil spirits out, but not the peoples with fire torchs. You know? the ones who BURN PEOPLES AT THE STAKE???

'To bind the spell every time, Let the spell be spake in rhyme. '
Me and my knowledge of occultism disagree. What is important is Not the shape of the spell, but the willpower of the magician. There could be a magician who doesn't even chants spells, but is at least as powerful as any spell-chanting magician.

'Soft of eye and light of touch Speak little and listen much.'
Means that you have to be introverted?? What's up with that? what if you do in fact want to talk your heart out to other fellow wiccans? You'd be breaking this rule, then? Or what if you feel like breaking stuff? Or if you have been overwhelmed with stupid information (for example) by useless people who have nothing of value to offer?

'Deosil go by the waxing moon, Sing and dance the Witches' Rune.'
Although this does depict a scene rather than any kind of "command" or such, it's silly to think that A RUNE sings. Much less dance. It's like, saying broom flies or some such.

'Widdershins go when the moon doth wane, And werewolves howl by the dream wolfsbane.'
It's a non-sequitur of some sort which i don't get. But it sucks too. Cuz i says so.

'When the Lady's moon is new Kiss thy hand to Her times two. '
*only* when the moon is new? Poor lady. she must be lonely the other 27 days :(

'When the moon rides at her peak, Then your hearts desire speak.'
Well *MY* heart does desire speak, about Always. And i find it weird for a writting to tell me when i desire something.

'Heed the north winds mighty gale, Lock the door and drop the sail. When the wind comes from the south, Love will kiss thee on thy mouth. When the wind blows from the east, Expect the new and set a feast. When the west wind blows o'er thee, The departed spirits restless be. '
I don't know about the navy reference, but it's strange that i'd close my door if the wind comes from north... I mean, What if my door is facing south?? Or some other direction? Also, i bet wind has came from the south many times in my life time and i've yet to be kissed in the mouth by love. I mean, several peoples have kissed me in the mouth, but not love. The same for the other 2 winds. I hate them and their windyness.

'Nine woods in the cauldron go, Burn them fast and burn them slow Elder the Lady's tree, Burn it not, or cursed be. '
Ok, i understand it's about incense, but exaclty *why* would it be burn inside a cauldron? wouldn't be it more productive if you burnt it Below it? Or in a stove? Or in the case of aromatical and/or recreational... "Woods" it probably is more useful to burn them in one of these incense containers.
And exactly how do you burn something fast AND slow?

'When the wheel begins to turn, Let the Beltaine fires burn. When the Wheel hath turn to Yule, Light the log and let Pan rule. '
Althoug im assuming that you light the logs and let them burn when its the beltaine thing going, what happens when it's pan's time? Do you not let the logs burn something? or you don't light them with the Beltaine's thang?
Also, How do i know that Pan is anything sort of a good ruler?!?

'Heed ye flower, bush and tree, And by the Blessed Lady be!'
Uhm, well, ... Respecting the vegetables is suppossed to bless me? Why can't i just burn them or sell them or use them for more productive goals?
One could argue that it's a bad idea, due to the planet being all an ecosystem and such, but then, why couldn't i plant something in the place of the things i killed? It's pretty much like working to gain money -> you do something so you can get something.

'Where the rippling waters flow, Cast a stone and truth you'll know. '
Really, if this one about knowing whence the ripples come from, throwing a stone to them isn't going to help it much anything. In fact, it Will make it worse. And i don't think you'd gather much from the experiment. It's kinda pointless.

'Whenever you do have a need, Harken not to others greed.
Never take money in exchange for using magical power.
With the fool no seasons spend, Nor be counted as his friend.'
This one does seem pretty Ok, minus the line about the fool... It's called discrimination, and it's not their fault that they are mentally diferent-abled.

'Merry meet and merry part, Bright the cheeks and warm the heart. '
This one does sound sensible too, but i don't think it's actually sensible to "merry part"... though it probably is a social construct. I hate this one either way.

'Mind the threefold law you should, Three times bad and three times good.'
Although it seems strange to be told to "mind something", i think the 3 times thing is kinda exagerated, i don't think there'd be enough life to receive 3 times everything you do.

'When misfortune is enow, Wear the blue star on your brow.'
I wouldn't wear a star in my brow, it is silly! besides, blue doesn't look well on me.

'True in love ever be, Unless thy love id false to thee. '
i must confess, i don't get this one at all. Why and more importantly *how* would i be "true in love"? Meaning i can't "fake in love"? Or something? And also, if my love is false to me, it means i can be false to sie too? tooth for tooth, then?

'Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill, 'And it harm none, do what ye will'. '
THIS ONE... Is the one that i disagree most with.
Chaos theory has thaught us that in a system complex enough it's almost impossible to predict accurately the result of every of our actions.
What then, if i missjudge a possibility and it does result in somebody being harmed due to my actions? I, as a limited human cannot possibly account for every single consequence of my actions -- It's impossible for me to know if it will harm none or not.

Because i am bored

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 07:58:12 GMT

I'm sure most of it is wrong but, i am bored enough to make Mobdy Dick a freudian tale of incest and drugs. SO THERE!

'Bide the Wiccan Law you must, In perfect love and perfect trust'
"Do this"

'Live and let live: Fairly take and fairly give.'
Do what you need to do, but don't make others stop doing what they do if you don't agree with them; be merciful on your gifts or what you do for other people and likewise do not ask too much of what someone can give you (work, money, friendship)

'Cast the circle thrice about, To keep the evil spirits out.'
This talks about "keeping evil spirits out", and you must cast a protecion against them; i'd say it's meaning is about thinking at least 3 times your decitions before commiting on them, with risk of "evil spirits", or bad concequences of your deeds coming in. Protect yourself.

'To bind the spell every time, Let the spell be spake in rhyme. '
To be elegant in what you do, not only do it "because it's how you do it" but do it to be better than it's simplest shape... You could just read poetry like you read the news or you could chant the poetry, making it a pleasurable auditory experience.

'Soft of eye and light of touch Speak little and listen much.'
Shut up and listen. Don't judge things on what you see (soft of eye), don't try to change things that aren't yours to decide (light of touch), make a informed opinion before you speak (speak little), and try to learn as much as you can (listen much).

'Deosil go by the waxing moon, Sing and dance the Witches' Rune.'
I don't know. Somke a joint when it's night or something.

'Widdershins go when the moon doth wane, And werewolves howl by the dream wolfsbane.'
When there's no light (moon doth wane) you should take care of wolves (dangerous peoples). It seems to talk about your choice of friends, since werewolves are dongerous friends it'd be better to avoid bad situations (darkness in the night) with them.

'When the Lady's moon is new Kiss thy hand to Her times two. '
Greet the new begginigs of the month (lunar cycle) by appreciating what you have by cutting your worth in 3 parts and offering 2 parts of what you have to "the lady" (i.e. charity), this does not speak of money, but rather of gestures (kiss thy hand), so i'm led to think it's about being nice to other peoples.

'When the moon rides at her peak, Then your hearts desire speak.'
It seems to be about expressing yourself or being honest with you if tension seems to be rising.

'Heed the north winds mighty gale, Lock the door and drop the sail. When the wind comes from the south, Love will kiss thee on thy mouth. When the wind blows from the east, Expect the new and set a feast. When the west wind blows o'er thee, The departed spirits restless be. '
This seems to be talking about conditions where upon actions might be appropiate of being taken... If things are going rather well, do carry on your enterprises. If things seem to be pulling you back, it's appropiate to take advice or support from those loved ones, when you are pulled to the side, or sidetracked from your direction, then new things are bound to happen and is not a bad thing, and if your path is taken in another direction which you aren't interested in going, then it's time to revive the old experiences and take advice "from your deads", i.e. revisit what has happened that can help you on this situation.

'Nine woods in the cauldron go, Burn them fast and burn them slow Elder the Lady's tree, Burn it not, or cursed be. '
I don't know these nine woods, but i bet it's a freudian reference. There are some things which are forbidden, and cannot bring you any thing good.

'When the wheel begins to turn, Let the Beltaine fires burn. When the Wheel hath turn to Yule, Light the log and let Pan rule. '
When you start a new enterprise do use all your might (fire), when you have succedded on it, do enjoy the fruits of your labor (pan -> party)

'Heed ye flower, bush and tree, And by the Blessed Lady be! '
If you respect your surroundings, good things are bound to happen. This seems to be talking about use of resources, i.e. don't spend more than necessary.

'Where the rippling waters flow, Cast a stone and truth you'll know. '
When you are bothered by some emotion dealing other people (rippling water), do confront (casting a stone) the person(s) involved to resolve the problem (truth you'll know).

'Whenever you do have a need, Harken not to others greed.
Never take money in exchange for using magical power.
With the fool no seasons spend, Nor be counted as his friend.'
Only consume what is necessary to satisfy what you need, don't be greedy on your possesions.
Do not use your craft to gain a personal benefit, for this will lead to greed.
If your acquitances aren't supportive or are more harm than good it's no use to be around them.

'Merry meet and merry part, Bright the cheeks and warm the heart. '
Be appreciative of new people, and do not hold grudges when you part from someone's company, and remember the best times you had so as to "warm the heart"

'Mind the threefold law you should, Three times bad and three times good.'
Alternatively known as "what you reap is what you sought", i.e., the things you do are bound to come back, in whatever form, so be concious of your actions and accept responsability.

'When misfortune is enow, Wear the blue star on your brow.'
When you have problems then it's time to fight for what you need (blue star is a reference to King David and the jew's folklore), do not expect to have your problems be solved for you (act of wearing)

'True in love ever be, Unless thy love id false to thee. '
this is pretty self-explanatory. Also, be loyal to your loved ones, avoid being the one to let down the other. If you are let down, then tell the other person to go fuck it's papa until they bleed and move on. Or something. *might not include insestual reference

'Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill, 'And it harm none, do what ye will'. '
although i disagree with the implication that you can do what you want without harming people, this seems to talk about not messing with other people, but be independent on your actions, and try not to harm the people that is around you.

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 23:03:14 GMT

I'm sorry lana, i wasn't aware of the drama happening @ becky's log...

I don't care that you did what you did, it's all the same to me. I think i told you once that bodies aren't important for me... and i didn't, i'm doing so now.

Please talk to me again soon...

Definition of "problem"

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 21:05:11 GMT

You scored as Linguistics. You should be a Linguistics major!

Linguistics

92%

Mathematics

92%

Art

92%

Sociology

92%

English

92%

Theater

83%

Philosophy

83%

Chemistry

83%

Dance

75%

Journalism

75%

Engineering

75%

Psychology

67%

Anthropology

33%

Biology

25%

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

And the ones in 92% were in a TIE. And they made ME select one out of 5 or 6 choices (the ones in 92%).

This, precisely, is the very reason why i dropped out of higschool. Damn.

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 17:01:27 GMT

- ┼ 神は私の裁判官および小枝である says:
chance hasta entramos en el negocio de hacer proyectores
Zadkiel ~ tengo ganas de comer tacos says:
ô_o
Zadkiel ~ tengo ganas de comer tacos says:
uh salvo que puedas hacer 2000+ en una semana no creo
- ┼ 神は私の裁判官および小枝である says:
jejejeje pero el intento y la practica hace al maestro
Zadkiel ~ tengo ganas de comer tacos says:
bueno
Zadkiel ~ tengo ganas de comer tacos says:
tu hechale ganas

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 10:39:06 GMT

Bien, pues Resulta que yo nunca eh sido muy fan de mis padres. No puedo decir que "amo a mi madre y a mi padre"... Por que no los amo realmente. Estoy agradecido que me hayan dado la vida y todo eso, pero la verdad yo no puedo ver que significa "tener padres".

Ok, en otras palabras... Yo respeto a mi padre y a mi madre como personas, y como seres humanos pero no siento (as in, a introverted/self-centered feeling vs emotion) un amor real hacia ellos, y no creo necesitarlo personalmente de ningun tipo. Son personas y les estimo demasiado, pero no les amo.

Ahora, me parece que eso les esta haciendo daño. Yo actualmente vivo con ellos, y aparentemente se estan haciendo planes para una separacion entre ellos. Mi mama dice que no soporta a mi papa y mi papa aparenta que le vale.

Yo quiero apoyar a mi mama, pero no quiero apoyarla como hij@ por que no se que significa eso. Quiero apoyarla como persona de confianza, quizas incluso como amig@... Pero ella quiere(o mas bien necesita) amor y yo no se como darselo.

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Cuando yo sali del susodicho closet (del cual nunca estuve dentro realmente...) mi mama tuvo un malisimo rato por ello. Y no ha mostrado mucha mejoria personal. A mi la verdad no me interesa mucho que ella supiera o no, y nunca me prepare realmente para decirselo...

Fue mas bien una cosa de "quiero usar vestidos en la casa, quizas si le digo me deje hacerlo!" pero obviamente no funciono asi y me parece que eh manejado bastante pesimo el asunto con ella, lo cual obviamente la ah lastimado, y yo no me percate realmente de eso hasta hace recientemente que estaba leyendo historias sobre gente "coming out" a sus padres.... Y me di cuenta que hice las cosas mal.

Aun asi, mi mama no hizo mucho nada por el asunto, principalmente por que ella se siente muy mal por su historia de vida la cual es bastante frustrante...

Ahora, mi padre. El don señor mister padre san.... El dice que le vale.

Cuando hable con ellos les pregunte que tanto querian estar expuestos a esto, y me dijeron que lo menos que se pudiera. Y asi lo eh hecho. Cuando salgo (con el proposito de transvestir) es *casi* a escondidas. Mi mama me ah dicho que no le gusta para nada verme con rastros de maquillaje en la cara (en el sentido de "lárgate a lavarte esa cara" pero no con esas palabras) ya varias veces. Mi papa hizo comentarios reciente sobre segun el que yo esté huyendo de una responsabilidad rara que no me ah explicado.

Yo sé perfectamente que jamás van a entender que pedo con mi vida. Quizas si fuera gay Ó completamente transexual otra cosa seria... Transicion y HRT, asistencias y esas cosas tan bonitas de las que se habla tanto.

Pero no soy ni gay, ni transexual. Soy un transvesti bisexual tirandole a antisocial asexual. Eso es muy dificil de siquiera explicar. Mi madre ve solo blancos y negros, y mi papa es de "my way or the highway".

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La brecha generacional es una patraña. Mi mama y yo tenemos distintisimas filosofias de vida. Yo soy existencialista o nihilista y ella aparentemente es fatalista o determinalista(sp?). Eso fue evidenciado cruelmente cuando ella me hecho a perder como 3 peliculas ya al ponerme su punto de vista forzosameente, y esperar que lo respete o acepte o no se que queria.

Ya nisiquiera me acuerdo de lo que me decia, y no me da la gana intentar recordarlo... Se me hizo muy fastidioso y canzado. Pero me da mucha tristesa que le estoy dando la espalda.. Que buen angel soy si no puedo nisiquiera ayudar a mi propia madre........... Pero entonces resulta que la voy a tener todo el tiempo que ella (o yo) viva.

Y no solo eso, sino que si ella no acepta alguna cosa que hago va a ser vocal sobre eso, por que eso es lo que las madres hacen. En mi caso, siento que ella parlotea demasiado...

Quizas deba ponerle una PC y crearle un journal? heh eso seria bueno :P

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Well, fuck. i'm still mad at her. Each time she speaks to me is to complain, it looks like there's nothing else in the world to talk about.

She either complains about father, or she complains about shit i do (as in, tells me i'm wrong).
I don't try too hard to see her point, and lately i've been actually ignoring what she says, because i'm tired. I try (but not hard enough) to be a listening ear, but she has already told me all she has to say, YET she has to say it more and more...

What's worse is that i'm starting to get really rude towards her, because i'm so annoyed and mad at her. BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCKING NOT BE, IF SHE DOES GET ME ANNOYED AND MAD AT HER!!

I can let go of emotions rather quickly. But each time i get over the anger she goes and makes me angry again, so it's kind of hard.

And it's because i don't love her. For me it's a person, however, she is a person i can't just "stop talking to because i don't like". She will be around as long as we're both around.

The irony is that if she had die, i would be moping "wahh why didn't i met mum? i cut my wrists cuz i dun know mommy... wah wah" Or some such. And it's fucking annoying to think that i'm a ungrateful bitch.

I just want to be a good person.

Peoples have always told me "you have to look after yourself! Do things you want! It's your life, live it your own way!" and, well. I always feel like telling them "fuck you in your fucking ass, fucktard. My world is not only ME you asshole! There are peoples who i *DON'T* want to hurt!! That's the whole fucking deal you stupid shithead!" or some such. Plus or minus some of the rage.

Really, how am i suppossed to live my own way if by doing so it means that i should have to step over people's necks?

............ Ah i'm tired and i'm never gonna end this fucking rant, so i'm gonna stop. Someday i guess i'll speak to somebody who won't understand and judge me and possibly even tell me "tu echale ganas".

Maybe i should actually get counseling, since i don't see anything bad with my position and peoples seem to think it's a *bad* position. And peoples say only crazy peoples think they're not crazy, although i've always known i am crazy, but just not *that* crazy. So i think i'll have to do. Or perhaps not, since there's that debt and if i don't do anything it seems like nobody will but fucking days are so short and i'm so tired to do anything much, yet i am always stressed over doing something and i do nothing and ahthefuckingrantisstartingtoannoythehelloutofmesoibetterstopori'llstabmyselfwiththekeyboard!

an empty title

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 07:59:07 GMT

Empty canvas.

Empty fucking canvas.

Peoples sez having a empty canvas is a very difficult thing. I tend to agree. The very first stroke you perform is the beginning of the end -- the culmination of your artwork.

And life is a canvas... I have painted it black... I'm now painting in colours that only i can understand.

Death means change, and i am dying each day, at the same time i'm being reborn each time i wake up.

Every possibility is available until the very exact moment you take action -- when you put your brush on the canvas, then the whole world materialises in front of your eyes... Taking the shape of a brush stroke.

Human apathy is one of it's best assets, it perfectly filters the world's wealth unto 2 groups: Those who do, and those who do not.

Being alive is like being dead, minus the whole inactivity thing, with the only excepion of those who are inactive on life.

The correlation between dreams or desires and facts, is the path or effort that one puts on the goal, the random events that lead you where you want to go with the divergence of the paths you have taken.

The choices are always simple, choosing is the difficult thing, and upholding your choices is the hardest part.

Music is evil, it produces feelings which are always difficult to understand. And those who say they understand them, don't appreciate the magnitude and dimention of these feelings.

Nihilism is another word for wishing upon the destiny.
Destiny is always the end.
End means realization.
Realization means traveling a path which never takes you exactly where you want to go.
Going somewhere always starts with the desire to move.
A desire is the manifestation of hope.
Hope is one of the excuses for living.
Living is the degradation of the body and the maturation of the soul.
A soul is only a part of god, and as perfect as the vehicle where it travels on.

Changes in my phylosophy as teh intarnetz sez...

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 23:23:14 GMT

2006...

You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life.

?Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.?

?It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.?

--Jean-Paul Sartre

?It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.?

--Blaise Pascal

More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...

Existentialism

100%

Utilitarianism

95%

Strong Egoism

80%

Kantianism

75%

Hedonism

65%

Justice (Fairness)

55%

Nihilism

55%

Apathy

45%

Divine Command

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com

Your Brain Usage Profile:

Auditory : 41%
Visual : 58%
Left : 55%
Right : 44%

Zaida, you are somewhat left-hemisphere dominant and show a preference for visual learning, although not extreme in either characteristic. You probably tend to do most things in moderation, but not always.

Your left-hemisphere dominance implies that your learning style is organized and structured, detail oriented and logical. Your visual preference, though, has you seeking stimulation and multiple data. Such an outlook can overwhelm structure and logic and create an almost continuous state of uncertainty and agitation. You may well suffer a feeling of continually trying to "catch up" with yourself.

Your tendency to be organized and logical and attend to details is reasonably well-established which should afford you success regardless of your chosen field of endeavor. You can "size up" situations and take in information rapidly. However, you must then subject that data to being classified and organized which causes you to "lose touch" with the immediacy of the problem.

Your logical and methodical nature hamper you in this regard though in the long run it may work to your advantage since you "learn from experience" and can go through the process more rapidly on subsequent occasions.

You remain predominantly functional in your orientation and practical. Abstraction and theory are secondary to application. In keeping with this, you focus on details until they manifest themselves in a unique pattern and only then work with the "larger whole."

With regards to your career choices, you have a mentality that would be good as a scientist, coach, athlete, design consultant, or an engineering technician. You can "see where you want to go" and even be able to "tell yourself," but find that you are "fighting yourself" at the darndest times.

2004...

You scored as Utilitarianism. Your life is guided by the principles of Utilitarianism: You seek the greatest good for the greatest number.

“The said truth is that it is the greatest happiness of the greatest number that is the measure of right and wrong.”

--Jeremy Bentham

“Whenever the general disposition of the people is such, that each individual regards those only of his interests which are selfish, and does not dwell on, or concern himself for, his share of the general interest, in such a state of things, good government is impossible.”

--John Stuart Mill

More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...

Utilitarianism

95%

Nihilism

80%

Justice (Fairness)

80%

Kantianism

80%

Hedonism

60%

Existentialism

60%

Strong Egoism

50%

Apathy

50%

Divine Command

15%

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com

Your Brain Usage Profile:

Auditory : 43%
Visual : 56%
Left : 50%
Right : 50%

Zadkiel, you exhibit an even balance between left- and right- hemisphere dominance and a slight preference for visual over auditory processing. With a score this balanced, it is likely that you would have slightly different results each time you complete this self-assessment quiz.

You are a well-rounded person, distinctly individualistic and artistic, an active and multidimensional learner. At the same time, you are logical and disciplined, can operate well within an organization, and are sensitive towards others without losing objectivity. You are organized and goal-directed. Although a "thinking" individual, you "take in" entire situations readily and can act on intuition.

You sometimes tend to vacillate in your learning styles. Learning might take you longer than someone of equal intellect, but you will tend to be more thorough and retain the material longer than those other individuals. You will alternate between logic and impulse. This vacillation will not normally be intentional or deliberate, so you may experience anxiety in situations where you are not certain which aspect of yourself will be called on.

With a slight preference for visual processing, you tend to be encompassing in your perceptions, process along multidimensional paths and be active in your attacking of situations or learning.

Overall, you should feel content with your life and yourself. You are, perhaps, a little too critical of yourself -- and of others -- while maintaining an "openness" which tempers that tendency. Indecisiveness is a problem and your creativity may not be in keeping with your potential. Being a pragmatist, you downplay this aspect of yourself and focus on the more immediate, obvious and the more functional

http://www.mindmedia.com/brainworks/profiler

omgzwtflolzrotflolmaobbq

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 20:22:47 GMT

>>THIS<<

this is the epitome of blonde's jokes!!

I was laughing like an idiot for ages!! I STILL AM!

oh wait, i'm an idiot O.o

Good! they talked!

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 15:50:40 GMT

we made a small meeting at haus yesterday/today morning... It lasted from 10~ pm up to 3 am.

They just LOVE to talk... No, not reallly, only mother does.

I am very annoyed with mother, i'm starting to feel this certain hatred which i know way too well. And i don't like it, but i don't really want to not feel it... I think she deserves it.

they told me (what i remember, that is):
father sez i'm escaping some sort of responsability.
mother se i'll never be a woman-
sister A sez i live in a small eorld, whatever that may mean...
sister B (the normal one) asked "why" and i can't answer that.

Mother was fluctuation between dooming me and wishing me best of lucks, so i don't know whatever she stands by. If she stands by anything...

I felt very attacked.

They asked me "what do you want?"
I answer "right now?"
they "yes."
me: "Alcohol."
father: "do you need alochol..?"
I turn to father and i smile my most hateful smile, "Yes, yes i do. I'm an alcoholic."
father told me to grab the wine bottle, i said "al ratito"

An we keept discussing... After a while, father grabs the wine and prepares me a drink. It was weird, but it did help loosen me :)

Then some time after that, sister asks me "why are you so proud of being an alcoholic and a crossdresser??"
And i stuter "because that's what i am.. that's what i do..."

I don't think she actually said any of the terms transexual, crossdresser, transvestite, gay or whatver.
Taboo :0

I am way too lazy to try to remember all that stuff, i don't want to because it's pretty dumb and highly annoying.

In short, mother kept weeping her emo tears, sister A often times made aggresive/hurtful comments, siter B didn't said much anything of interest, father kept martyrizing himself, minus the being dad part.

By, 1:30 hours ago, sister B's husband should have been here to go to see the dude whom father has The Big Debt, to know how much is it that we need to pay. Suckage.

hmmm...

Other than that, i didn't wanted to explain them my situation. I was too annoyed and angry to make a decent explanation, and i didn't felt they were open to listening, as in my experience they have never been. So i didn't even try to explain anything.

Mother wants Me to come forward to her to explain her. I am NOT going to do so. I told her to ask, and i'll try to answer to the best of my hability. She doesn't, well, Suck for her to be so weak.

Really, i'm very angry at mother. Mostly because she keeps complaining and doesn't do anything to solve her problems, I don't remember her proposing a solution which is Objective.. She keeps herself tangled by her own "concepts" and "education" (in the "as raised" sense) and when she does propose somethnig is blatantly irrealist and pretty much doomed to fail -- she said that father should go to see the dude of The Big Debt, but that's like asking the pope to say "sorry about the inquisition".

The other motive i'm mad at her is that she makes any conversation we have in a complain-fest about how much father has hurt her.

Well, i get it already. Fuck you.

And whenever i try to say what is in my mind, she does Cut me blatantly so she can keep speaking. We have had moments when we both were talking at the same time, and she would NOT shut up. Why!?? That's the thing that i'm most angry about.

I'm not your fucking living deadjournal to dump all your traumas on.

Fuck! just thinking about it makes me so angry.

Anyway, that's about everything that happened.

In short: i am so tired of them, and even if they want to try, i'm not interested to give them a chance.

Oh right!!! I forgot, i told them i want out of this familiy and they made fun of me. They said shit about responsability, mother weept her emo tears for the Nth time and i still want out.

I think that's all relevant to my life... They talked a lot about mother-father's mutual hurt and hatred, sisters didn't said much they have fake plans made on the spot, and nobody gave a fuck about sister's husband. Poor dude, i pity him...
I wanted to ask him "what about your plans" but i didn't had the courage, and i regret it.

We all want to hog the spotlight, and we push each other out it at the same time.

We all are a spark in a infinte time which may never end, and our lifes too short to be good and too long to be bad.

In the end, there is not "and lived happy for ever", but an "and rest in peace".

By the way, i haven't blogged about my holidays.

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 14:07:01 GMT

they sucked.

For christmas, i got a book which used to be mother's book.

In new year i didn't got drunk and was VERY tired due to my idioticly irregular sleep schedule.

In new year i hate something like ham, in a big cooked way. I don't know whatever it is, but it had pinneaples and cheeries on it's surface. Was tasty, nothing too extraordinary.

And that was about it.

I'm waiting till jan 6th so i can go and look for a job. Technically i could do so right now, but eh.. Too lazy :P

That's about it.

MWAHAHAHAHAHA IT'S ALIVE!

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 18:33:47 GMT

Now... If i *had* a way to check whence the link came from...

I must investigate that. Yep.

EDIT:

I think that my current plan is fundamentally flawed. I'm getting up to 9 times the same page, which is a bad thing.

Things to consider:
- Disable downloading of a page which has been already downloaded; check if has been downloaded in a list of downloaded URLs, since the filename can and is repeated several times (i.e. index.html)

- Make a list of which file was downloaded whence.

- Find a better way to strip the urls which go ONLY in the a href tag, in order to avoid downloading "name-dropped" webpages (i.e. "i checked in www.google.com something")

that's all i can think about right now.

This is SOOO interesting!! :D

EDIT #2:

It should go like this:

Download starter page
Open it for read

Scan until '<a href="' and mark the next character.
dump from mark until next " into a file.
repeat until EOF

Create a new file with the name of the starter page.
Dump all the URLs into this file
Close file

then repeat with starter page = each of the stripped URLs.

Yeah, i think that might work. I'd end up with a gazillion of lists though...

Then i'd have to make a new program which would then scan ALL these lists and rank them. :o

By the way, my MSN is brok3red.

I'm doing something very stupid :>

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 18:24:54 GMT

I made this litte script that will take all the links in a page (i used my friends page) and spit them in a file.

Then, i'm downloading ALL the links in this page.

Then, i'm running the script on all the downloaded pages.

I'm stupid, i know, I don't know what will result, but i hope it's something interesting :>

Tarot reading.

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 13:01:29 GMT

will my business work?

52 51

3 15

34 reversed

The Two Paths spread provides insight into an important decision ahead of you, the possible outcomes, and the forces that draw you towards each of these outcomes. The Marseilles Tarot is an 18th century creation of obscure origins. It predates the occult symbolism of the Rider Waite deck by roughly 200 years, giving the readings a unique and rustic flavor. Many swear by this deck as the true oracle of the common man. If you would like your own copy of the Marseilles Tarot, you can buy it now!

52 The top left card represents the first possible outcome. Two of Swords (Peace): Contradictory characteristics brought together as a means of resolving a conflict. Refusing to be ruled by negative emotions. Strife brought to a close through clarity of mind and restraint of force. Turning a blind eye to the minor infractions of others.

51 The top right card represents the second possible outcome. Ace of Swords: The seed of victory - perhaps as yet unseen. A challenge to be met and solved through the invocation of force. An opportunity to bring reason and intelligence to bear in the pursuit of justice and truth. An excessive power that must not be abused. May suggest new ideas or information that can reveal a solution to the problem at hand.

3 The middle left card represents the force drawing you towards the first possible outcome. La Papesse (The Popess): A pure, exalted and gracious influence. Education, knowledge, wisdom, and esoteric teachings. The forces of nature. Intuition, foresight, and spiritual revelation of the most mysterious and arcane sort.

15 The middle right card represents the force drawing you towards the second possible outcome. Temperance (Temperance): Calm and restraint. Self-control, patience and tact in handling situations. The act of applying balanced spiritual and psychic forces to physical life.

34R The bottom card represents the critical factor that decides what will come to pass. Cavalier de Coupe (Knight of Cups), when reversed: The dark essence of water behaving as fire, such as a flash flood: Deceptive charm in the service of intense insecurity and rapidly shifting moods. Selfishness, indolence, and a complete lack of maturity. Misguided idealism divorced from practicality. Destructive romantic passions and infidelity

Sabes que?

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 15:38:44 GMT

Voy a ir a escanear TODOS los dibujos que tengo. Eso sera bueno.

Regreso en un par de horas, supongo...

so full of angst

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 15:30:42 GMT

She did it again.

just 6 fucking days in this house and i'm "back to normal"

how corrossive is this environment to depress me to this so-called normal level within 6 days?? and i thought i was progressing in guadalajara.

But then, fucking cousing has to mess up and now i hate her.

I, literally, have nowhere else to go.

Everybody else i asked to said they couldn't give me a room in their houses, which means it's either staying or going with my cousin.

I'm not going back with my cousin, because she has shown herself to be a very annoying person, and the kind of person i don't want in my life to be near me. i.e., she is my enemy. I don't like her anymore.

Although i have fond memories of idiotic things we did together a few years ago, she has changed too much, for worse, in my opinion.

She used to not believe in love, or so she claimed. Then she goes and gets a boyfriend and stays with him for 5 or so years.

Then, she used to say "live and let die" or some such. Now she was very nosy with everyone at the department. I still live by that motto, and it was infuriating to have her keeping tabs on me.

She didn't respected my privacy -- My room couldn't lock, but the door was closed and she would enter like there was nothing more to it.

I dunno, more idiotic shit that i am not interested in standing.

Now i come and mother tells me all sort of shits of her.
So, Mother. Thanks for being so fucking annoying and irradiating your idiotic problems to me, nonetheless. I DON'T CARE.

Mother, i'm so sorry you had a bad life, it's not my fault, i can't do anything about it and i am not interested in it, so leave me alone. I have my own problems, you know?

But she won't read this, and i'm happy, this my little angst-sphere of sadness and all things evil, i hate writting like this.

I wish i had something interesting to say or to write, but i don't. Life is unfair, and it's expected of one to be unfair... Even if everything one wants is to wear pretty dresses and make neat little images in the computer.

Well, though luck, conform to the system or die, they say. I can't care any less anymore. So what, if i die. World's population decremented by one is NOT a remarkable loss.

I'd be worry if i would take someone's else life with mine, or something, That'd be annoying. Specially if the person(s) wouldn't want to die...

Hey, maybe i should put an ad on the newspaper saying "wanna die? i want too. phone number #..."
At least i'd know that we all are better off dead. And i mean, really. Why keep on living?

What is so great about breathing like to be so paranoid of "the other side"?
the unknown? Well, i Feast on unknowns. That's why i learn't all the useless shit i know.

The fear of change? Well, my next state couldn't be worse than this one, plus, based on the fact that i remember nothing of my previous life, most likely i wouldn't remember anything in my next life, so if i have to spend 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 millenia in the deepest pits of hell, and then be reborn again, i wouldn't remember having spend so many years in the worst sufferings and all that, and chances are, i'd be a girl. Also, i don't believe in hell.

In any case, i see little point in trying to stretch the spark of life that we are.
I'm not really wanting to die *right now*, but i wouldn't be too terribly mad if i did. I would prefeer not to, but it's not high on my priorities list :P

And i don't think it's anything serious at all. I don't think there is one single thing that is serious enough for me. I can laugh at everything, and enjoy my day. I usually don't because i'm so busy being angsty and emo.

Which somehow is bad, due to some undisclosed reason that i can't grasp. I don't understand the deal... Whinning is nice, doesn't harm anybody, and it's free... So, what's wrong with it?
I can understand emo bands being shunned, cuz then peoples pay greenstuffs, basically, to listen some immature dudes whinning to the microphone. Which is idiotic in nature.

But then, the kids who get called "emo" in the forums and all that.... That's so sick evil and offensive (mainly to the so-called emo kids) because, well, they are complaining because they want sympathy. Not rejection. Sympathy. And peoples basically tell them "no, we won't even listen to you, you know why? CUZ YOU CRY AT NIGHTS. That's why. And we (whomever "we" are) hate that. Okei? So go away from our sight, we don't care how suicidal you are. Go now and don't come back."

Then suicide rates increases and population rates decrease, effectively making a better human-free world in the course of a few thousand years.

But by then i won't be here anymore, and i won't care as much as i don't care right now about these things.. Or any *other* thing actually.

And i have to start a start-up company, with the only aid of an expert in buildings and another expert in computers.
God, this will suck so much.............

Well, whatever. Let's just do it, at least i'll pretend i'm doing something useful instead of wasting my life like my sister does. And i know mother will complain about it all the time, and i'm going to be severely fatigued by her whinning about things that i don't care, and i can't fucking close the page or mute the sound... nothing. It sucks so much...

But does anybody care? No. Nobody gives a fuck, and that's the whole point. Nobody's suppossed to give a fuck, that'd be something nice, for a change.
And peoples are inherently evil. And if peoples haven't ever thought about kicking puppies or killing "stupid" co-workers, then they have something wrong with their brain.

I have something wrong with my brain, but that's not due to lack of puppy-kicking, but some other more sinister reasons which i don't care to mention.

And basically, i don't care about anything else like to keep typing like an idiot. Which i am. So, end of line.

peoples often times care about the wrong things.

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 07:56:09 GMT

Well, a certain person whom im not sure how long i had stopped talking with just logged in and off.

This person apologized for not saying hi when passed by me.

I didn't noticed this person had passed by, or i would had at least waved my hand to this person.

But really.

Feeling guilty for not saying hi? that's kinda silly, in my opinion.
I'd be much more guilty for NOT sending an email/IM/voicemail/call whatever for that much long time.

I'm not angry at this person, and i do, in fact, hold this person on high esteem.

Katt was telling me about another person who hasn't called him. I haven't called Belen(e). I haven't called nor emailed nor I/Med edith about the department's rent.

Communication seems so futile to me right now, even when i'm, precisely, communicating with reader right now.

Well, i want to say that it's not important if peoples don't talk to you. If they Do talk to you and you don't respond, then it MIGHT be important, as in, you're bothering them at the momment. Try again later after person is dead or whatever.

In another news, i kinda envy peoples whose's blogs are read by actual peoples.

Sometimes i think people don't really care about shit.

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 23:24:25 GMT

I had a disgust with my cousin.

She's very hurtful in her manner of speech and in the things she does and says. About everything she does is hurtful, and is VERY nosey. She wants to know everything about everything. Which, i find absolutely upmost annoying, since i HATE having people keeping tabs on me.

I mean, i don't really care what peoples do with their time, why would peoples care about what i do with mine?

I know she loves me, but she wants me to fit in her twisted "love" dreams or whatever. I'm not interested.

In any case, she's going with my aunt, so she can go with her to Monclova, cuz she's poor and stupid.

I'm waiting for tomorrow for mother to lend me some money for the bus, and tomorrow, as soon as i get the money i'm going to Monterrey.

If something happens and she doesn't lends me the money by tomorrow afternoon, i think i'll try to stay here for the holidays.
Peoples often understimate the benefits of being alone.

IF i had a computer and a scanner, and i was alone, i'd be publishing a webcomic really soon.

It's going to be very interesting, for me at least ...

It's cyberpunk, with a lot of hacking in the plot. Why? Cuz i like hacker stuffs. That's why.

It's about a bunch of machines that get conciousness and start to wonder about how do humans work, and they start killing users who go to a site in the net which is called "NOWHERE" and the machines do nasty things to them, to understand how do humans work.

Then some other dudes start to investigate this "NOWHERE" site and stuffs happens. All with my marvelous art.

Really, i like my drawings. I'll try to scan a few today, to post it here.

The plot i have so far sounds VERY interesting to me, and appeals the geek in me.

.......

I just talked to mother, i'm going to monterrey tomorrow in the morning. As soon as she deposits me the money on the bank, i'm leaving to Mty. Coolness, no?

The longest days are gone with the longest dreams...

Thu, 08 Dec 2005 00:58:02 GMT

Well, well, well.

I think i should *probably* do something about not habing a computer... right now my fingers are feeling the keyboard and they are moving by themselves, i kid you not...

Now, i still don't have a job... Which, mysteriously does NOT mean i haven't found one. In fact, i've found 3. But neither i stayed in. Then i took a break for leisure purpouses... 3 days and counting.

Mother says she wants me to go back to Monterrey for this holdays... Xmas and new year. I kinda wanted to pass Xmas alone, that'd had been nice, i dunno... I mean, i moved out of my house, and due to my own idiocy, i still can't be alone as i wanted... That's not very nice.

However, i've yet to go thru a difficult phase. Things are looking TOO simple on my point of view...

I was kinda expecting having trouble and difficulties to get moneys and having to need to sleep on the streets or shit like that.

things are way too simple... Or maybe i'm just THAT cool ?? Nah.. something must be wrong. I had planneed to stay here 1 month, with my cousin and then moving out, but it doesn't seems to be working out...

I arrived here the 18th of nov. By dec. 18th i was suppossed to have a job plus some money. today, it's December 7th and i have neither.

I *know* i can just go out and pick ANY job... It's just that i want some special job or something...

Sometimes i wonder how did ito survive to the 21 years @.@

Jobs

Tue, 29 Nov 2005 23:08:41 GMT

As probably many of you may not know, since only about 25% of peoples who read this journal are actually aware first-hand (that's about 2 peoples...), i managed to "fall victim" of one of these "scam companies"..

Well, i didn't fell victim, cuz i did it with the intention alebosy and advantage.. or equivalent.

Things are okei, not Too okei but not too bad either.

I still hate everything, but am trying to overcome that.

Except that i'm going thru a low right now and i don't have much else to think about, i think i have learnt a lot of german since last time i tried.

I'm not sure what kind of job will i land next, but i don't really care. With a bit of luck it wouldn't be Too sucky. Hopefully.

In any case, i'm sorry about the money thing... We'll see what happens next.

That's about everything i have to say..
(the rest, it'd bee Too hard to understand and/or accept...)

I'm in Guadalajara now. And the world is all right

Sun, 20 Nov 2005 04:32:09 GMT

So.

the bus took around 10 hours to arrive, and it was one of the most boring experiences in my life, minus the 12+ years of school... But those don't really count.

Anyway, i'm staying with my cousin Edith, and her roomies...

Things are looking allright, on monday ill go job hunting, and after i get a job i'll try to find a nice department or something... 1 room and 1 bathroom or something.

Guadalajara is nice, nothing too extraordinary, but nice -- just nice.

Edith is not very okei with my crossdressing so i don't think i can prance around in a dress just yet.

BUT SOON!!

Well. That's basically all i have to say right now.

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 17:27:23 GMT

Salgo el viernes en la mañana, aun no compro el boleto.

Me voy a quedar en la direccion:
Av. Alcalde # 621 interior 2
Entre guillermo prieto y gral. Arteaga
Zona Centro, Barranquitas, Guadalajara Jalisco

Esta cercas del Panteon Belen y el Hospital de la Cruz verde

Editare mas tarde...

i'm afraid of freedom

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 04:34:36 GMT

I'm free from Rocket.

I'm moving over to guadalajara.

I am afraid, things looks like i'll be unable to go to Reynosa for this christmas. Sadness.

i'm excited about the future.

Tomorrow, by 6 pm, localtime, i will be a free person again, this time, i don't know what will happen.

I'm going to jump head-first into life, it seems... I don't know how well am i prepared, but i'm expecting interesting things to happen.

I don't want to end up dead in a hole besides the road or something, i'll try to avoid that, yes..

i'm staying with friends of my cousin, Edith. I AM excited about this.

I hope the future goes well..